Agnes Water, OZ

I almost left, but I didn't.

Long time between updates, I know, but I've been doing my thing here in Agnes. Most days have started with a morning surf. I've been parking Vacilando next to my friend Paul's place for the past two weeks, which is 100m from the beach. He wakes me, often before 8am, and we hit the waves early. Then some breakfast and a nap. One of Paul's flatmates, Ben, has a Playstation, and after 10 years of hearing about the game, I've finally played Grand Theft Auto. Yeah, it's fun.

I've been spending most evenings back at Cool Banana's. I can't say I really hang out with any of my old friends here, a bit, but I'm no longer part of the gang here. But I've started meeting some of the new people coming through the hostel and after the holiday season, it's starting to pick up here again.

My mood's also been lifted in that I finally kissed a girl after about a month of chastity. Coming after my first two months here (they were a bit different in that regard), I've felt like a bit of a monk, and finally getting to kiss someone again is a wonderful thing.

I was thinking of leaving this past weekend though. Two Americans were in the hostel for a week, both from New Jersey, and one was a Yankees fan (next best thing after another Sox fan, maybe even better, I get to talk shit). I almost left with them on Saturday for Airlie but events beyond my control transpired to keep me here. Part of that was that Paul had my copy of "Travels with Charley," and some may understand there's no way I'd leave my copy of it behind.

I'm starting to really surf now, I'm getting a bit better every day, I'm very much understanding the addiction now.

Agnes Water, OZ

Today, I dove on the Great Barrier Reef. The past two days I've been surfing, and I mean getting on the face, turning and actually doing what I'm supposed to, it's a rush. I awoke at 7am yesterday for a morning surf, and today it was 7am to catch the boat to the Reef for two dives. After two months of inaction, I'm starting to kick a bit, I suppose.

I've been bouncing around Agnes, staying with friends. I've spent the past few evenings at the hostel, Greg has granted me Bienke status here. And I've mended most of the relationships that I thought I'd lost. Not all of them, but that no longer really concerns me. Anyway, I'm wrapping things up here, getting ready to move on. There's a bar with a dance floor tonight and I'm going out to have a good time, I need one. So, cheers all, I hope y'all have pleasant weekends as well.

Finally though, to those of you who wrote me last week, I can't thank you enough. I've felt very alone for several days here in Agnes, but I took heart in knowing just how many places, and how many people that I do care about, and how many good people there are out there. Thank you.

Agnes Water, OZ

I'm doing better, I am. I'm no longer staying at Cool Banana's, I've been staying with friends for the past few nights. That's about all for now, but I am feeling better.

Paradise Lost, Agnes Water, OZ

I've haven't felt as bad as I do in nearly three years, when last I had my heart broken. This is not about heartache. I lost some friends today, or I've given up on them, I no longer care to be friends with them. In all my years of travel, I've yet to have anyone tell me that I should leave, that everyone would simply prefer me to go. But that's the case here, and this was someone whom I thought was one of my closer friends here in the hostel.

I love this place, yet I don't feel welcome here anymore. Of all the people that live here, there are only two people that have said to me that they'd miss me if I left. And while it was only one person that actually told me that I should leave, I can't help but feel like maybe they're not alone in feeling that. It leaves a bitter, ugly taste.

Why do I care? I wish many times that I wouldn't let people bother me, that I could treat them impersonal at a drop of a hat. But, I don't see how I can remain aloof emotionally and then be able to care with the same passion. I tell myself that it's worth it, but I often wonder.

I don't want to have to run away from here. Friends of mine have told me to tell the others to Fuck Off, and not let them get the better of me. But I don't know, I think that they already have. This no longer feels like a place that I can be comfortable, that I can sit down and believe that people are happy to see me.

It feels to me that most people want me to be happy, but whether I actually am happy is of little importance. If I feel down, everyone simply runs, avoids me and leaves me to stew until I'm cheery again, at which point they're ready to resume the friendship.

That's not enough.

It pains me that the place that I've come to love so much, should make me feel this unhappy. But for the kindness of Julia and Greg, I don't know what I would've done. As it is, Julia has been a shoulder for me to cry on for the past eighteen hours. Maybe that's the upside of this, while I learned that people whom I did think of friends treat me in a manner that simply makes me feel worse about myself, I can at least see that I do have some real friends here, I've met people whom I respect and treat my generosity not as something to partake but as a two way street, are there for me in the same way that I try to be there for them.

So, sadly, and for the first time in a while, I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I need to close my heart, to no longer take any joy in being a friend, to tell myself that there are some people that are simply not worth being friends with.

It simply hurts too much.