Paradise Lost, Agnes Water, OZ
I've haven't felt as bad as I do in nearly three years, when last I had my heart broken. This is not about heartache. I lost some friends today, or I've given up on them, I no longer care to be friends with them. In all my years of travel, I've yet to have anyone tell me that I should leave, that everyone would simply prefer me to go. But that's the case here, and this was someone whom I thought was one of my closer friends here in the hostel.
I love this place, yet I don't feel welcome here anymore. Of all the people that live here, there are only two people that have said to me that they'd miss me if I left. And while it was only one person that actually told me that I should leave, I can't help but feel like maybe they're not alone in feeling that. It leaves a bitter, ugly taste.
Why do I care? I wish many times that I wouldn't let people bother me, that I could treat them impersonal at a drop of a hat. But, I don't see how I can remain aloof emotionally and then be able to care with the same passion. I tell myself that it's worth it, but I often wonder.
I don't want to have to run away from here. Friends of mine have told me to tell the others to Fuck Off, and not let them get the better of me. But I don't know, I think that they already have. This no longer feels like a place that I can be comfortable, that I can sit down and believe that people are happy to see me.
It feels to me that most people want me to be happy, but whether I actually am happy is of little importance. If I feel down, everyone simply runs, avoids me and leaves me to stew until I'm cheery again, at which point they're ready to resume the friendship.
That's not enough.
It pains me that the place that I've come to love so much, should make me feel this unhappy. But for the kindness of Julia and Greg, I don't know what I would've done. As it is, Julia has been a shoulder for me to cry on for the past eighteen hours. Maybe that's the upside of this, while I learned that people whom I did think of friends treat me in a manner that simply makes me feel worse about myself, I can at least see that I do have some real friends here, I've met people whom I respect and treat my generosity not as something to partake but as a two way street, are there for me in the same way that I try to be there for them.
So, sadly, and for the first time in a while, I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I need to close my heart, to no longer take any joy in being a friend, to tell myself that there are some people that are simply not worth being friends with.
It simply hurts too much.
I love this place, yet I don't feel welcome here anymore. Of all the people that live here, there are only two people that have said to me that they'd miss me if I left. And while it was only one person that actually told me that I should leave, I can't help but feel like maybe they're not alone in feeling that. It leaves a bitter, ugly taste.
Why do I care? I wish many times that I wouldn't let people bother me, that I could treat them impersonal at a drop of a hat. But, I don't see how I can remain aloof emotionally and then be able to care with the same passion. I tell myself that it's worth it, but I often wonder.
I don't want to have to run away from here. Friends of mine have told me to tell the others to Fuck Off, and not let them get the better of me. But I don't know, I think that they already have. This no longer feels like a place that I can be comfortable, that I can sit down and believe that people are happy to see me.
It feels to me that most people want me to be happy, but whether I actually am happy is of little importance. If I feel down, everyone simply runs, avoids me and leaves me to stew until I'm cheery again, at which point they're ready to resume the friendship.
That's not enough.
It pains me that the place that I've come to love so much, should make me feel this unhappy. But for the kindness of Julia and Greg, I don't know what I would've done. As it is, Julia has been a shoulder for me to cry on for the past eighteen hours. Maybe that's the upside of this, while I learned that people whom I did think of friends treat me in a manner that simply makes me feel worse about myself, I can at least see that I do have some real friends here, I've met people whom I respect and treat my generosity not as something to partake but as a two way street, are there for me in the same way that I try to be there for them.
So, sadly, and for the first time in a while, I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I need to close my heart, to no longer take any joy in being a friend, to tell myself that there are some people that are simply not worth being friends with.
It simply hurts too much.
posted by Bob Stein at 7:06 PM
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